AktivistA 2015 Conference: A Summary

Schlagwörter

AktivistA, asexual conference, asexuality

The first conference for German speaking asexuals took place last weekend in Stuttgart, Germany. (German summary here.) It was organized by AktivistA – a German association for asexual visibility. Te conference targeted asexuals as an audience, in order to provide 201/301 exchange and further offline networking.

The event started out at Friday night with a meet-up in a restaurant, the actual conference took place on Saturday, and on Sunday we had the option of breakfast with or without a hiking tour or city tour. Mostly of interest is Saturday, so I will keep to that.

The weather was hot, like most days this summer here, that is, around 35°C or 95°F. We lucked out with the place – a café and meeting space for queer people – because even without air conditioning, it was actually comparably cool inside.

We had thirty plus guests – not everyone was there for every event, but most people attended the talks. People hailed from all over the country and even from Switzerland, and their ways of finding us had been also quite diverse. Most had read about the conference in the AVEN forums or on facebook, but there were a small number who’d heard about the conference via queer uni groups or elsewhere in the interwebs.

The timetable didn’t quite allow for the distance between the conference center and the café where we had reservations for breakfast and dinner. It was also not as easy as planned to provide the vegan guests with decent food.

In the morning – half an hour later than hoped – we offered a short guided city walk and, at the same time, a kind of unconference discussion group. This turned out to be a not so good choice, because the people on the walk were missing out on getting to know the others.

Our two hour midday break was also too long – four planned talks/workshops plus a short film were a lot of information to take in within only four hours in the afternoon, so some people were asleep for my slot of time.

The talks themselves were quite above reproach, though.

First, Fiammetta offered insights into the ace activities in some European countries, namely France, Italy and Spain, though most people on the Spanish AVEN forums actually hail from Mexico and Argentina. Visibility-wise, Italians know how to use connections to pride organisations, while the French made April 26th the day for asexuality. As a side note, France has no regional meet-ups like Germany, but usually tries for a nation-wide meet-up in rotating places.

Second, there was a workshop/discussion about asexuality and queerness, because any anouncement of AktivistA attending a pride event tends to garner pages of heated discussion on the German AVEN forums. „Too many naked males, too much about sex.“ „I don’t feel queer.“ etc. If you know some German, Mandelbroetchen has a slightly biased summary of the results.

Also, to note: We’ve yet to encounter significant opposition by LGBT* groups or online individuals, which means that we actually have the opposite problem to the English speaking ’net.

A guest from Freiburg, Annika Spahn, gave an insightful talk about the out-of-date diagnosis „frigidity“ and its almost zombie-like re-emergence as HSDD, among others. Obviously, sexologists have quite the interest in creating norms for female sexual desire. They (dare to) describe „too much“ as well as „not enough“. At the same time, medical professionals and the pharmaceutical industry work at optimizing humans, sometimes by declaring things illnesses that are actually caused by society.

Lastly, I provided some information about demisexuality and gray-As, given the dearth of decent material about the subjects in German.

Less attention was needed to watch a 30 minute documentary by three BAs from Bremen. (More later, including link.) Information wise, the film is decent, and also manages to provide a little insight into ace diversity by acknowledging aromantics as well as the sex favorable-indifferent-averse spectrum.

Andrzej recorded two of the talks. We’re going give a heads-up once the films are available on YouTube.

Both AktivistA as an association and the guests were quite pleased with the overall results, so we’re planning another event for 2016.

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A rare beast

Schlagwörter

asexuality, Carnival of Aces, INTJ, INTP, MBTI

After all this time, a Carnival post. German version to follow. Anyhow, seeing the April 2014 carnival is about comparing ace experience to other experiences, I remembered some interesting quotes from something I proofread for a friend:

„If a psychologist runs into a person they cannot squeeze into the definition of normal, they either resort to psychobabble or pick out a good disorder. “

„Psychology views (…)s as part of the “lunatic fringe” because the studies they use to base their worldview of “normal” upon rely upon what the majority does– […] This is more than simple rarity; it saying that what the […] do should be the definition of normal and is a proper measuring stick by which mental soundness should be judged.“

„(…)s are unique and rare–just like {…}. Rarity can be taken for disease, though this is a logical fallacy.“

„(…)s themselves feel like there must be something wrong with them because they don’t behave the way they “should,” i.e. the way the majority behaves. Thus they are more open to accepting others’ opinions of their shortcomings, reasonable or not.“

„Lack of societal acceptance may actually contribute to real mental problems which are not intrinsic to the (…)’s mental make up, but spring from a lifetime of ill treatment at the hands of others.“

All those quotes about (…)s – who are, in this case, INTP Myers-Briggs types – were written by Anna Moss, an INTP friend of mine from Alaska. They’re excerpts from „The Secret Life of INTPs“. She’s selling the e-book from her website.

Anyhow – I don’t know whether I can draw an analogy. Plenty of minority groups share the feeling that they are, somehow, wrong.

It just struck me as interesting that this experience is also shared by certain personality types. I’m a self-diagnosed INTJ with INFP tendencies. Meaning, simply put: I’m an introvert more interested in theories and big pictures than in details and day-to-day happenings, who somewhat prefers using logic when making decisions, and usually needs a bit of time to mentally adjust to changes of plans.

Things this leads to: I sometimes see behavioral patterns when there aren’t any, leading to me being miffed without reason. I react strangely when asked to host a cocktail party on short notice, even though I’d actually like to. I utterly dislike household chores and tidying up.

I forget important stuff like buying food, or eating, because I’m distracted by something that’s happening in my brain. Being around big numbers of people exhausts me, so I need a lot of alone time. My preferred activities are reading and writing, followed, oddly enough, by dancing.

I have only a handful of friends – the more contacts I have to juggle, the more panicky I become. This is also the reason why I don’t have a tumblr. Sometimes I can’t for my life figure out appropriate responses and thus put my foot in my mouth. Sometimes I resent how patient I have to be and how I have to tone down my vocabulary when talking to customers in the pharmacy.

Apart from sex, I also don’t get how someone can willingly go out and socialize for several evenings in a row.

Anyhow. Obviously, this is not majority-worthy behavior. Or actually socially accepted behavior.

Sometimes I wonder whether my alienation to others is due to my asexuality, my introversion, the head-in-clouds IN leanings or the fact that I, for my life, can’t manage to be as sensitive as „normal women“ are supposed to be. Sometimes I wonder whether or not my personality and asexuality are aggravating each other.

But, meh. It’s not like I can actually change these things. Nothing will make me a talkative social butterfly who’s always up to date with the newest happenings.

Envy-less

Schlagwörter

aesthetic attraction, asexuality, Ästhetische Anziehung, Femme!

This month’s blog carnival topic is „change“, and at first this was so vast a field that I had no idea what to write.

Then Siggy made some enlightening observations about aesthetic attraction, which made me consider how that has changed for me since I started identifying as ace in early 2011.

The short version is: I now ogle women.

When I was a teenager, I believed myself to be straight. I’d get those crushes on boys who were way out of my league, and therefore, in retrospect, safe – meaning they’d never notice me anyway, so if I mooned over them, I wouldn’t have to follow through with the physical affection part.

So. Until I was in my twenties, my self definition was of a straight, but mistrustful asshole (given the rare disappointments I’ve caused) who was also incompetent at flirting. As I once told a colleague, I have never had bad experiences with men, however, I might be some guys‘ bad experience…

Obviously, she laughed back then, and didn’t realize that I was rather serious about this assessment of my behavior, which does, thanks to my feminine looks and my rather expressive dancing, occasionally border on “ice queen”.

In my late-ish twenties I stumbled over the term „asexuality“, and struggled with my self image for a couple of years, until I was ready to admit that I was even further from the majority than I thought. I now categorize myself as ace/aro.

So first the “straight” part of myself was irrevocably gone, then I learned about the varieties of attractions that exist. Along the way my unconscious decided that I was now free to enjoy aesthetic attraction, upon which I started to notice interesting looking persons, or people who moved in ways that I liked, regardless of gender.

Apart from this thought barrier that came crumbling down, I’ve also started to realize how I, as a woman, have learned to assess other women from other women. We silently crow in triumph at finding someone fatter than we are at a party, we criticize a conventionally pretty woman’s bad style to make ourselves feel less inferior, or judge someone’s looks as plain or unfortunate. All to make ourselves feel better.

I am still doing this despite the fact that I’m not vying for a husband, or even a romantic partner. Which just goes to show how ingrained that way of thinking is. Actually, I find it kind of creepy.

I’m quite grateful to now be able to look at others envy-less, at least some of the time.

Surely YOU don’t need to lose weight

Schlagwörter

asexuality, body image, Selbstbild, Sexiness

So, I just did a bit on my figure in German, and then Effi came along with a post about asexuality and eating disorders.

I don’t have a history of eating disorders, but being asexual surely didn’t prevent me from having the same skewed body image most other women have.

Admittedly, I’m not fat, either, so I’m speaking from a position of privilege, but I’m also not someone you’d describe as willowy. However, I spent most of my life thinking of myself as at least overweight, and I still catch myself referring to my body as fat inside my head.

This started when I was eleven, when my mother declared, „we’re too fat, we need to lose weight“ (never mind that I wasn’t exactly fat even then, and you don’t make kids lose weight without consulting an MD beforehand). Thus she started us on a series of thankfully very short-lived dieting attempts, at least once a year until I was sixteen or so.

This „you’re too fat“ joined the chorus of „you’re too quiet“, „you have too few friends“, „you sit around too much“ (I was reading, thanks).

Anyhow, no wonder I ascribed my continuous failure to acquire a boyfriend to my figure and my shyness.

Also, I still have a hard time thinking about my figure in an objective way, even though I now am quite confident that I don’t want a boyfriend or husband in the classical sense, and that I don’t need to look sexually attractive.

At the same time, I find myself looking at women who aren’t as close to society’s ideal as myself and having a sense of superiority, because at least I’m not that fat. (This is a kind of double standard that my dad excels at.) All I can do is keep that thought in my head and remind myself that I have no right judging anyone based on their figure. I don’t know their story.

So, I was indoctrinated by my family, and the media sources available to me. Most magazines I got my hands on agreed that women wanted to lose weight, so yep, obviously most women were too fat. I was female, therefore I needed to lose weight, too.

I know this kind of perception is common, because, being a pharmacist, I regularly get female customers asking after something to lose weight, be it the latest useless supplement wonder pill, prescription drugs usually not worth the side effects, or formula diets that force you to down nothing but sweetish slug three times a day. (There are very few men wishing to lose weight via pharmaceuticals.)

Most of the women asking after those things have a lower body mass index than I do, and still „need to lose a few kilograms“. Thankfully, I’m allowed by the boss to tell people that the supplements are useless, it’s my duty to be honest about the prescription drugs, and I usually manage to refer customers interested in formula diets to a colleague who’s actually tried them.

Fact is, those same, objectively thin women tell my objectively not-fat colleague, „but surely YOU don’t need to lose weight.“ Also, in the rare case when I’m asked to dispense actual dieting advice and tell people that this is something I did or do*, I get the same response.

Funny, that.

—

* Yes, there are some things I do – no sweetened drinks, maximum four meals a day, no continuous snacking. As I’m not the type to eat entire bars of chocolate in one session, all of that is actually not a matter of conscious discipline, it’s just habits I acquired along the way, mostly by being a university student who was a bit more miserly than I needed to be.

DeWinter: Legacy

Schlagwörter

asexuality, Carnival of Aces

So, as this month’s Carnival theme is „The Next Generation“, I couldn’t quite resist with the post title…

As it is, the theme is oddly fitting, because my best friend is now mother of a very young child, and my step-sister is currently incubating, though I don’t believe that I’ll have too much contact with the latter kid, given how I’ve actually never met the young woman in question (family drama, oh joy…).

Anyway, the situation has made me ruminate already whether I’m childless or childfree, and the current conclusion is: I don’t have children. This hasn’t been a conscious decision on my part, but I am content with the situation as is.

Should I ever meet a person who would make a suitable co-parent, I wouldn’t be totally adverse to procreating, or fostering. Given my age, there’s a time limit on the procreating, as I’ve decided a while ago that if I reach 35 with no children, that’s it, and I’ll think about actually buying a place instead of renting. 31 years down, 4 to go… So, it’s very likely I won’t have biological children.

Part of me wonders why I’m not more distressed about not passing my genes on. I came across an interesting quote just last week, in Ron Leshem’s  „Megilat zchujot hajareach“ (German: Der geheime Basar, French: Niloufar) Amazon Germany doesn’t list it as available in English, and I only own the German translation, so I’ll paraphrase. Leshem has a woman character speculate that every woman wishes to leave something of herself behind, and that to most women the easiest and most accessible method is having a baby.

Caveat: I don’t think women who (want to) have babies are desperate, sad creatures.

But, it actually might explain my attitude somewhat: I actually do feel that I am making an impact, even it it’s a small one, via being a pharmacist, a writer, a blogger and doing offline ace visibility work.

Best thing that’s happened to me as of yet: I once got a review for a Transformers fanfic with an explicitly aro character by a person who found a desperately needed word that way.

Sure, most of my impact is currently on contemporaries, but, Powers That Be allowing, I won’t shut up anytime soon.

As to more direct contact with the next generation… I hope I’ll do a decent job of explaining stuff once I get asked questions. Which I expect to happen, because most other friends of said best friend are married and already have children. I am the odd one out, so to speak.

Being asexy in German

Schlagwörter

asexuality, Carnival of Aces, mein Ace-Sprech gehört mir, word nitpicking, Wortklaubereien

Theme for February’s Blog Carnival was „language“. Since most German asexuals know the words they use, and have already gotten my definition rant, I will refrain from posting a German version of this.

A few facts on the German ace community: there’s a German AVEN sub-forum with approximately 9000 members, there’s two blogs (mine and the zine-blog, which isn’t updated on a regular basis), and semi-regular meetups in, I think, at least six bigger cities. I don’t believe this is due to Germans being notoriously good at organizing stuff, I rather think it has to do with the fact that this country isn’t all that big, and the transportation infrastructure is decent.

Part 1: Words in use

German is quite a bit more gendered than English, with, traditionally, the male plural being used when speaking of groups. Currently, it’s considered better form, and politically correct, to actually use the plural in the female version. There was a lot of derision when this change was implemented by official sources, but we’ve now become accustomed to it.

There is no such thing as a gender neutral pronoun for persons, as comparable to the singular-use „they“ in English. Alternatives, such as amalgamations of „sie“ and „er“ (she and he), leading to „sier“, or „xier“ are currently being tried out. Someone also has proposed „nin“.

There is no collective word in use for GSMs, as „queer“ is in English. As usual with Germans, we were lazy and simply imported „queer“, instead of going to the trouble of making up something new. However, the meaning of „queer“ isn’t exactly common knowledge (neither is LGBT, or the German equivalent LSBT), so it’s used and understood only by people who have interest in queer issues. GSM and GSRM have also made their way across the pond, but they’re so new, only the cutting edge seems to be comfortable with them.

We’ve also imported „gender“, because German doesn’t have a word for the concept.

The bigger sexual minorities, gay („schwul“), lesbian („lesbisch“), and bisexual („bi“, or „bisexuell“) are sometimes contracted to LesBiSchwul or SchwuLesBisch. Note here that „schwul“ commonly refers only to men, though I’ve seen it used as self-descriptor by homosexual women. Also, „schwul“ suffers the same use as „gay“ in terms of insult.

As is common elsewhere, bisexuals remain mostly invisible when same-sex marriage, pride parades and things like that are being discussed.

As to asexuality, this would be „Asexualität“ in German, and asexual is „asexuell“.

We’ve yet to agree on an abbreviation. Some favor „ace“. Some use „AS“. Other things I’ve seen and tried out are „asexy“ or „asexi“ both as adjective and noun, and „Ass“, which, yes, really, is the German version of „ace“. However, it can’t be used as an adjective.

Aromantics are „Aromantiker“, and sometimes „Aromanties“. „Aromantic“ is „aromantisch“. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a word for aromanticism.

Part 2: Talking about asexuality

So, the vocab lesson is out of the way. One would think, given the close relation between the English and German words, there should be minimal differences between what we talk about. You’ll find it isn’t so if you ever bother to translate the definition the founding persons of the German AVEN-subdomain slapped on the front page. It says „kein Verlangen nach sexueller Interaktion“ – literally: „no desire for sexual interaction“. They’re using a preferred behavior angle instead of the sexual orientation angle.

To this day, I’m unsure why they didn’t simply translate the English definition. I’ve tried to find the thread where they discussed it, but wasn’t able to dig it up.

If I’m allowed some speculation based on some comments I did find, the orientation-angle might seem, at first, counter-intuitive, especially if you don’t have any idea what sexual attraction feels like, and one could argue that the „no desire for sexual interaction“ is the outcome if you don’t have sexual attraction in the first place. It is, most of the time, granted, but I still believe this definition-mix-up will come back to bite us in the ass, if it hasn’t already.

„No desire for sexual interaction“ reads a lot like „no libido“ and I think we create more confusion with the uneducated medical establishment this way.

We still get „asexuality exists“ articles, and most experts being quoted for those never get past the „no desire“-part. After all, a low libido can be treated, if one should wish so, whereas sexual orientations are rather immune to therapeutic influence.

Therefore, I believe we’ll have an even harder time being recognized as a legitimate sexual orientation.

Also, most scientific literature on asexuality is in English, with „no sexual attraction“ as the current working definition. Given what I’ve read, I don’t think that this working definition will change anytime soon, so anyone doing research on German-speaking asexuals will have to be mindful of that difference.

So: I don’t have a grand conclusion this time. Given discussions with other people at the Asexual Worldpride Conference in London last year, I actually live in ace-wonderland. Even without London, I’ve met a good two dozen other aces. However, we’re far from being commonly recognized as belonging to the alphabet soup, so… there’s more visibility work ahead. (As usual.)

(a)sexy writing

Schlagwörter

asexuality, Carnival of Aces

So, as usual when it comes to prompts with fiction or narratives in them, I’m there for the Carnival of Aces. (German version here. Deutsche Version hier.)

Because I’m a writer, and I’m asexual. (I am, however, not a writing asexual, anymore than I’m a writing pharmacist. Thank you.)

I commit fanfiction on a semi-regular basis, but mostly I’m producing as of yet unpublished originals in German – almost exclusively fantasy. There’s two historical fantasy thingies, one queer fantasy novel in beta stage (technically, it’s gay fantasy, but to label it such isn’t advisable – it’s not porn) and currently I’m writing something with two asexual main characters.

Here’s a teaser trailer for the queer fantasy novel: three and a half scenes I originally translated for kaydeeblu. So’s that you all know what the heck I’m talking about, given the likelihood you’re not interested in my fandoms.

I’ve been identifying as asexual for almost two years now, which means that the bulk of my original writing has been done before me getting involved with AVEN Germany.

While there are, in hindsight, numerous clues for me regarding my self-perception, no reader of mine has ever suspected from my writing that I’m asexual, or even non-heterosexual. I’ll hold that as proof that if I, as an gray-romantic asexual am capable of making my audience cry or have toothaches from the sweetness, there is little reason to accuse any of us of being unfeeling.

Ahem, now to the clues from before and eventually, what identifying as ace has done to my writing.

I never have been too comfortable with writing sex scenes – by now I will write them, if I believe it necessary, and I’m not going out of my way to avoid them anymore, but if someone’s looking at my M-rated fanfic in the hopes for one „bit“ every chapter, they’ll be sorely disappointed.

I don’t write gratuitous sex scenes, because, well, it doesn’t get me all hot and bothered, and I’m not interested in getting to see my leads naked. I don’t fantasize about them off-screen, unlike other authors I’ve talked to.

While I usually hate having music in the background, I keep a playlist around to get me in the mood (or at least, into an approximation thereof). Even then, it doesn’t come easy, and my characters tend to get lost in the mechanics rather than in the sensations. Which means editing. Lots of editing.

Apart from that, I’ve produced a truckload of aromantic, if mostly *sexual characters – even before I realized there was a name for feelings like that. These people just went about their business while never falling in love, and occasionally even thinking about this state of affairs explicitly.

I never found this peculiar, and I never once pitied these characters, made them out as unhappy because of it, or thought them heartless. With one exception, they’re actually rather caring individuals.

Also, in hindsight, the female lead of my first novel is demisexual.

So. My subconscious must have been at work there.

Identifying as asexual has now given me the perspective to look at these things from more angles. It has aggravated the aromantic tendency and added an ace one. Suddenly, there’s sub-themes with „gender“ in them, not counting heteronormativity.

I’m not out to my writing group, and they’re not only older than me but tend also to be less informed on GSM issues. Thus, one said that I was recently doing „special“ themes. Likely, that was her way of describing that I wasn’t catering to heterosexual audiences with my two latest projects.

I’m quite aware that I won’t be making monster amounts of money with writing those two novels. There’s going to be more writing, for a broader audience, but there always shall be at least one queer sidekick and one ace character, as I’ve decided.

I consider this important, both personally, because I care about my themes, and am occasionally discussing issues I myself have faced, and on a wider level.

Asexuality and aromanticism (or aromanticity? – I don’t like the -ism there, because being aromantic has nothing to do with a belief structure) need to be represented, and not in a way of „let’s introduce this exotic specimen and its troubles for comic relief“ – a fate gay characters seem to suffer from especially. Also, to avoid the fate of this token gay guy, who lisps and suffers from broken-wrist-syndrome.

We are there, we are many, and we are all different.

Not a fräuleinwunder

Schlagwörter

asexuality, Carnival of Aces

I wasn’t going to write something for this month’s blog carnival, until I ran into Ily’s post. In a nutshell, she is wondering: if girls and boys grow up into women and men, respectively, what happens to people who don’t fit these standard definitions?

Which made me wonder whether I considered myself a girl or a woman or what?

Warnings: mostly for etymology and non-gratuitous song quotes.

I’m in the lucky position to be cis.

Also, I feel comfortable within my body in a way that I haven’t since before puberty. I ascribe this partly to settling into my asexual identity. Some things (like clubbing) do get easier when you know that the flirting will go nowhere, and that you’ll never need to look sexy again.

However, once I started thinking about the usual monikers females have to describe themselves, I came up with a blank.

Am I a girl? At near thirty? And with all those connotations: Girly. Pink. Cute cats on the nightshirt. „Girls just wanna have fun.“

Thanks, but no thanks the implied immaturity. Even though I don’t mind being a fangirl, I left real girl-dom behind the day I started renting (and paying for) my own place, if not earlier.

I also sincerely dislike the German word for girl: Mädchen. It’s a diminutive, as indicated by the -chen, and therefore a grammatically neuter. It just doesn’t sit well with me to have to refer to a female-identifying person, including myself, as an ‚it‘.

Lastly, as mentioned above, girls are expected to grow into women. It’s a supposedly transitional state, something someone is expected to leave behind, and well. I don’t believe I’m currently in transition to adulthood.

So on to my second option. On its basic definition, „woman“ would be a female of the human species who has successfully survived puberty and can procreate. But… „treat me like a woman“. „Man, you make me feel like a woman“, „I’m a red blooded woman“. And stuff. I can’t quite connect with this ‚feeling like a woman‘, because there seems to be a sexual connotation that I can only grasp on an intellectual level, and even that grasp is tenuous.

In German, the term „Frau“ is derived from a title: a married woman of good social standing/nobility. As I am unmarried, I could also go for „Fräulein“, which is, originally, an unmarried noblewoman. „Frau“ is currently both used as „woman“ and as an address, like „Mrs.“. „Fräulein“ is mostly an old-fashioned address: Miss. (Also: -lein indicates a diminutive, the Fräuleins, too, are grammatically neuter.)

I dislike tying my identity to whether I am married or not.

I don’t mind being addressed as „Frau Xyz“, which is nowadays the standard address for females in German. From older people, who somehow ignore modern speaking habits, I occasionally get to hear „Fräulein“, and I rarely mind that, either.

However, there is a difference in what is social norm as an address and what term I use to think about myself, and the options for the latter have proven to be somewhat insufficient. All available terms have connotations that I can’t relate to. I am a female person who is currently feeling neither like girl nor a woman, which makes my brain hurt if I think about it too closely.

I believe this is a direct result of myself being ace and not looking for traditional partnership models. I don’t quite get sex or marriage, therefore an identity that ties more or less directly into these concepts is not useful to me.

I’m well aware that not fitting a slot comes with some hiccups in the presentation – after all, other people have only ‚girl‘ and ‚woman‘ as reference points, and until I grow some wrinkles or gray hair, I am and will be put with the girls more often than not.

I have no idea what to do about this, exactly, because I refuse to go for an uber-serious look which would just make me feel like I was in costume. So, all I can do is proving by actions that I might look young, but I know what I’m doing, thank you very much.